Why Is My Husband So Thin-Skinned?

It’s so frustrating when you’re saying something simple, and your husband suddenly shuts down and acts cold or angry. It feels like you can’t even have a mature conversation without things getting messy. You just want to tell him to chill out so you can actually talk things over. 

I used to be confused about why my husband would turn to ice after I’d say something like, “Why don’t you call the rebbe instead of waiting to see if our son’s chavrusa situation has improved?” 

I didn’t mean to annoy him; honestly, I had no clue I was doing it. 

I figured that if I didn’t tell him how and when to do something, it would get messed up.

Doesn’t it make sense to keep your finger on the pulse of your kid’s success at school instead of waiting for things to become a problem? I was just saying what seemed obvious.

But my suggestion really came off as “I know better than you.” And he felt disrespected.

Can my husband get all defensive and shut down during our conversations just because he's stressed? Of course. But when I quit telling him what to do, it really made things emotionally safer. He stopped worrying about protecting himself and instead focused on doing things to help me or make me smile. 

So if he is being defensive, it’s often a red flag for me that my helpfulness harms the most important relationship in my life.  Then, I get to decide whether it’s worth telling him what to do. Most of the time, he can actually handle things just fine, sometimes even better than I can.