What Does Teshuva Have to Do With Marriage?

When I was in the depths of despair in my marriage, I was certain of only one thing - HE needed to change. Me, not so much.  I was a good wife and a good person.  I was only miserable because of him. 

But he wasn’t interested in changing. And I became more and more resentful. 

So what is there to do in this hopeless situation aside from spending thousands of dollars to kvetch and be validated by a therapist?  I tried that, and I also tried leaving marriage books by his bed.  All they did was collect dust. 

But what if there was something I could do to fix this marriage once and for all?

That thought sent me through the roof with anger.  Why should I have something else to do? Like any normal Jewish woman, I was BUSY and overwhelmed.  

And desperate.

I got a coach, and my marriage changed for the better.  Surprisingly, I did too. By learning what it means to take responsibility for my happiness, I felt like a new person, or actually, like the person I used to be. 

Before marriage and kids, jobs and responsibilities, I was happy. I was fun-loving and spirited.  In fact, before we met, the key trait my husband told the shadchan he was looking for was someone happy.

Fast-forward to the day after the wedding. I became needy, demanding, and the master of giving advice. My husband withdrew and pretty much stayed there for the next few decades. 

With the help of my coach, I became that girl of fun and light again, and my husband was drawn to me.  

It’s so much easier to return to my better self and enjoy a peaceful and loving marriage and better relationships with everyone in my life than it was to be stuck in my self-righteous resentment.   

So yeah, I did teshuva.  I returned to the better me. And by breaking free from the heaviness of my anger, resentment, and despair, I now have the energy and confidence to look for other ways to improve, too.