The Key to a Happy Marriage

Is self-care selfish? The short answer is — absolutely not. In fact, it’s the glue that keeps your marriage together. Sounds dramatic? Let me explain. 

Life Without Self-Care

Before I transformed my marriage with a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship coach (see my story here), I believed self-care was for wimps or self-obsessed millennials. 

Me? I could handle everything. Take care of the kids, manage the house, work full-time — no problem! But…there was a problem. I was constantly angry, sad, resentful, and stressed. I felt overworked, tense, and just so tired. 

Guess who bore the brunt of my negative feelings? My husband, naturally. 

Guess if it was good for my marriage? You know the answer. 

My constant frown was ruining our marriage. With zero creative outlets, downtime, or activities that made me happy, I couldn’t be the light-hearted woman my husband had married.

I was running on empty, and eventually, I was gonna crash. 

Discovering Self-Care

Now, I don’t blame my past self one bit. Being a wife and mother is HARD! We have about a million responsibilities, and juggling them all is tough, to say the least. I was simply trying my best to raise my family in a functional, happy household. Thinking about myself wasn’t even on my radar (who had time for luxuries like thinking???)

But I was totally misguided. I thought doing everything for everyone else was my job as a wife, mother, and breadwinner. I believed I needed to be a martyr, putting everyone else’s needs above my own.

Learning about self-care was like a lightbulb turning on in my head. I realized that running myself ragged wasn’t a favor to anyone—not to myself and not to the people in my life either. A sleep-deprived, overworked, and stressed-out wife cannot possibly be agreeable, let alone happy. 

The irritation and frustration I felt towards my husband wasn’t because of him. It was because I felt miserable inside — he was just the easiest target. I needed to take charge of my own happiness and boost my emotional energy so that I could extend grace to him and my family.

Busting the Self-Care Myth

Well, there you have it — the long answer. So, no; self-care is not the shallow pursuit of meaningless fun and frivolities. It’s not a trendy excuse to buy overpriced iced coffees. 

It’s the key to feeling content, peaceful, and giving. It’s the emotional fuel to ensure you can be patient and loving with your family. It’s the secret ingredient to a marriage that continues to be fun, exciting, and enjoyable. 

I was full of complaints about everything, including the way he breathed, but I didn’t realize that I was filled with negativity because I was depleted. When I took care of myself, I was happy. Then, the breathing might still be happening, but it didn’t bother me. More often than not, a woman who hasn’t done anything for herself in days, weeks, months, or even years will feel absolutely miserable. Everything ends up being tainted by this misery.

Which leaves the obvious conclusion -  feeling annoyed, bothered, or angry at your husband is actually preventable! And the magic answer is … you guessed it, self-care.

Replenish Yourself, Renew Your Marriage

Think about all the things you love doing. Maybe it’s reading a book, calling a friend, listening to a shiur, going to the gym, or grabbing coffee with a friend. The only requirement is that it makes you ridiculously happy, giving you the fuel to be a positive and spirited wife.

Now, take a good look at your daily schedule and brainstorm how you can consciously sneak in self-care throughout your hectic day. It may be as simple as spending an extra 3 minutes in the shower, reading a bit from that book that’s been gathering dust, or spending your work break chatting with a friend. 

Remember — prioritizing self-care is key to creating a truly happy marriage, and there’s no reason to feel guilty. When you feel happy, fulfilled, and calm, you bring your best self to your marriage. You deserve it!