Ouch!

What if you could have a marriage that is easy, peaceful, and happy instead of painful, lonely, and hostile? 

To my client, Tehila, who was frequently verbally abused, it sounded pretty far-fetched -  especially because her husband saw no reason to change.

He flew into unexpected rages, spewing harsh, critical, and demeaning words at Tehila.  She was crushed and too embarrassed to tell anyone how her charismatic, successful husband treated her behind closed doors.

This is Tehila’s story…

Tehila’s husband would say dumb, mean things like, “I don’t understand why you’re so tired all the time. It’s not like you work full-time.  Why can’t you manage like everyone else?” As if taking care of the kids, racing to work and back, making supper, bath time, bedtime, laundry, and cleaning the house wasn’t full-time work!! 

So she would respond by saying, “Maybe I wouldn’t be tired all the time if you would lift a finger to help me once in a while instead of coming home and taking a nap, eating, and then running back out to supposedly learn and end up hocking all night!” 

The insults flew back and forth. By the time they were done, they were both emotionally bruised and bloody.

Obviously, responding in anger wasn’t in her best interest.  She was left drained and ashamed.  

With coaching, Tehila learned that she could respond with vulnerability instead of anger by saying “ouch!” or simply crying  - and it reminded him that they’re on the same team.  Suddenly they weren’t enemies anymore. It also helped her avoid saying something she would regret later. 

A lot of times, she forgot to say “ouch.”   Being angry seemed easier and safer. 

Plus, her husband hated it initially when she started saying “ouch.”  He mocked her, and it provoked him even more. It seemed like he preferred for her to fight back. Then he felt justified for his horrible behavior. 

When she stopped retaliating, he had no one left to fight with and was stuck looking at himself.  It gave him the space to realize what he was doing and feel remorseful. 

He felt bad about hurting Tehilla and just wanted her to be happy.  He started being more careful with his words.  And when he did say something sharp, because, after all, he is human, and she responded vulnerably instead of with anger, he started to apologize, and the whole thing blew over. 

Tehila learned that saying “ouch” is taking care of herself in the best way possible. She was able to avoid escalating conflicts, and she remained dignified and felt better about herself.   She realized that she can’t control what he does—only what she does. 

And, now, Tehilla can’t even remember the last time she and her husband fought.  Her marriage is easy and peaceful, and her home is her safe haven.