How to Get Your Husband to Help You

Are you utterly exhausted? Is your day a juggling act, filled with the demands of work, caring for the kids, preparing meals, cleaning up the house, running errands, and tackling that ever-growing pile of laundry? Each day seems to leave you drained, both physically and emotionally.

My husband never seemed to notice what I needed help with. Sure, I issued orders, compiled lists, and nagged. I complained about what he wasn’t doing. Most men shut down when they get criticized. So, instead of stepping up, they might just decide to do nothing at all.

So I took care of everything, and my husband just didn’t see how he could please or help me without getting in my way. I’d hold in my frustration until it all came out in a pretty embarrassing way.

I had to find a new way to get the help I desperately needed. Instead of complaining about how exhausted I was, how the baby kept me up all night, and how I had no energy to deal with the kids, especially with a splitting headache, I started simply saying, “I would love help with bathtime.” To my surprise, he rolled up his sleeves, made a game of chasing squealing little ones around the house, and got them into the tub. It may not have been the way I would have done it, but they ended up reasonably clean and had a blast. He has been in charge of bathtime for years now. 

Inspired by how easy it was to get help with bathtime, I decided to try it with the grocery shopping. I told my husband, “I can’t do the shopping anymore. I would love help with it.” And yes, he took that on too! He does it his way, strictly sticking to what's on the list, but at least we always have the basics.

This pattern of simply expressing my desire for help without loading it with complaints and whining led to him actually looking for ways he could do more. The more my husband steps up and I show him appreciation, the happier and prouder he seems. I get the help I need plus some extra time just for me.  I can close my eyes and recharge while he does baths. As I sink into the couch for a few minutes of relative quiet, I feel the tension in my body ease and my mind clear. This small pause allows me to gather my energy, so I can be my best self for the rest of the evening.  He likes the rested and pleasant me and wants to do even more so I can continue to show up light and happy rather than haggard and edgy.

Instead of the stressed-out martyr I used to be, I’m now back to being the fun and magnetic me that he knew when we were first married.  And I love being taken care of by my husband.  It’s what I always wanted deep down but was ashamed to allow or admit. 

Pausing to figure out exactly what you want and then letting him know succinctly without angry demands will give him the information he needs to make you happy. You might be amazed at how much effort he’ll put in to see your smile.