How to Feel More Supported

It is beyond frustrating when your husband seems oblivious to your ever-increasing to-do list and is only interested in staring at his phone, staying late at work, or taking a nap while the house is flying. He drags his feet to do the simplest things you ask him to do.  

What can you do about it?

Here are three strategies to get more support:

1. Receive Graciously

You’re getting geared up for Purim (don’t say the other P word yet!)  You’re doing everything - planning and cooking the seudah, running around for the perfect costumes for each kid, figuring out mishloach manos that are cute, classy, and don't break the bank, and wondering how to pull together Shabbos post-hurricane.

Your husband offers to do the grocery shopping for the seudah, mishloach manos, and Shabbos.

But you know exactly which paper goods will set the perfect tone for the sueda, which treats your kids won’t bemoan as nebby for the mishloach manos, and which dips won’t elicit a chorus of complaints. So you do the shopping yourself.  You also let him know that he just won’t know what to get, and you don't have the patience to answer a thousand questions as he aimlessly wanders the aisles. Maybe next time he can do the shopping.

But there is no next time because he stops offering to go shopping. He felt rejected.

Making Yom Tov takes superhuman time and energy, so you really need support.

What if you graciously receive your husband’s offer to handle the shopping?  It won’t be done the way you want. But it will lighten your load.

How can you receive help even if it’s not how you want it? What is the quest for perfection costing you and your marriage?

2. Appreciate His Help

What if your husband doesn’t offer any support? Nothing.

One way to melt the resentment is to look for what he does do. Does he work hard to bring in parnassa? Does he daven and learn and elevate the ruchnius in your home? 

Think about the little things. Even if they seem self-serving, noticing and appreciating what he brings to your life is key to boosting your happiness. Even though it doesn’t feel like enough.

Your husband might become more supportive if he feels successful in making you happy.

3. Stop Criticizing 

He buys ugly paper goods, the cheapest wafers, and disgusting dips. 

So you tell him. You’re just being honest!

But you are criticizing the way he does things, which is different from how you do it. It seems like it's not worth it to let him do things when you know so much more about how to do it right. 

Actually, I don’t always know what’s best. If I am really honest, my husband has been right sometimes.  Maybe the cheaper paper goods, nosh, and dips make the most sense, and the kids' reactions will pass, and it’ll teach them something worthwhile. Maybe getting the help and preserving the shalom bayis is worth it?

 What are your thoughts on this?