How I Went From Struggling Wife to Marriage Coach

Do you feel stuck in a lonely and loveless marriage? Are you desperate to change things but just don’t know how?

If these feelings resonate with you, you’re not alone. That’s exactly how I felt from the moment my husband and I got married 30 years ago. That is, until I finally repaired my broken marriage using Laura Doyle’s transformative approach. 

It wasn’t easy, and I had to step waaaay out of my comfort zone, but it was so so worth it.

I now run the Shalom Bayis Agency — a group of frum, certified Laura Doyle coaches who are helping women achieve the marriage of their dreams. It’s wild, I know! 

Wondering how this all happened?

Here’s my story. 

Starting Married Life

Ahh, shana rishona. A bubble of blissful happiness, meaningful glances, and artfully plated suppers for two. 

Um, no. Shana rishona was NOT like that for me. To my utter confusion and despair, our marriage started off on the wrong foot almost immediately. Like, as soon as I opened my mouth kind of immediately. 

I wanted to be a helpful new wife, a true eizer k’negdo, so I piled on the advice, suggestions, and “constructive” criticism. I couldn't understand why he didn’t agree with everything I said, and actually shut down and became defensive instead. Wasn’t I just “helping”?

Things spiraled from there, and not in a good way. After constantly feeling attacked, my husband avoided me to protect himself from further verbal degradation. 

In turn, I complained that he wasn’t affectionate, communicative, or present. I became judgmental and critical of everything he did, which only made him more angry. We had inadvertently created a vicious cycle, and had no idea how to extricate ourselves out of it. 

We were constantly at odds, always on the verge of another argument. Deep down we craved connection, but were so enmeshed in the negative cycle we’d spun that we had become strangers.  

When I cried to him about how overwhelmed, lonely, and unhappy I was, I expected him to swoop in and take care of me. I didn’t realize I’d pushed him so far away that he didn’t have any desire to be close to me anymore. 

What he’d heard from me time and time again, through insults, complaints, and criticisms, was — you’re a failure, and you can’t possibly make me happy. So don’t even try.

Living Parallel Lives

Our shaky marriage continued hurtling downhill at top speed. We had a communication blackout, and each took care of our own duties and responsibilities effectively, but with little connection. 

Eventually we were living parallel lives. Two people coexisting, who happened to share the same children, house, and bank account. 

He didn’t join me and the kids on outings, and I stopped expecting him to come or even telling him our plans. 

My kids wanted to know why my husband was always angry. My husband wanted to know why he couldn’t make me happy. All I wanted was to feel cherished and adored. 

Life was lonely, and it was horrible. I knew we could have so much more, but I just didn’t know how to make it happen. I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper, with no way to pull myself out. 

Hitting Rock Bottom 

Our marriage reached the point where I knew I had to take drastic measures if I wanted to save it. I was absolutely desperate, but I didn’t know how to start fixing something that was so broken.

I took action by doing the only thing I could do. I davened and cried to Hashem, begging Him to send me a yeshuah. Through a series of hashgacha, I was pointed to Laura Doyle’s book “The Empowered Wife'' by a number of family and friends. 

Upon reading it, I realized that I would have to put in some serious hard work and self-reflection if I wanted to do this properly. It felt so incredibly unfair, but I was desperate enough to rise above my own ego and give it a try. 

Experiencing Transformation

After getting over the unfairness of it all, I started incorporating some of the skills outlined in the book in teeny tiny baby steps. I didn’t have any expectations whatsoever. 

But crazily enough, my husband ate it up!

I couldn’t believe how impactful it was. My husband was receptive to my efforts, and actually started responding. I was completely shocked, surprised, and thrilled. 

I knew that the change I was experiencing as a result of reading the book was only the tip of the iceberg. And I was hungry for more. I took the plunge and decided to work with a Laura Doyle trained coach to maximize the newfound growth I was seeing in my marriage.

I am proud and happy to say that my relationship with my husband, personal happiness, and quality of life has been on an upward path ever since. 

Creating the Shalom Bayis Agency

I chose to go through training to become a certified Laura Doyle coach myself to solidify everything I’d been working on in my marriage. The training was more rigorous and educational than getting my MBA!

I was so enthralled with what I’d learned, and the incredible growth that I’d personally experienced, and I wanted to make it accessible to others in the Jewish community. I knew that so many frum women could benefit from the Laura Doyle approach through one-on-one coaching. 

And that’s how the Shalom Bayis Agency was born! 

With Hashem’s help, I created a network of frum women who are certified Laura Doyle coaches. Our goal is to help women achieve the marriage of their dreams by empowering them with simple skills that can bring about remarkable results. 

If you’re longing for happiness, connection, and purpose in your marriage, we can help you get there too. 

Conclusion

Unfortunately, you can’t  just snap your fingers and see change — I wish. 

Working on your marriage requires heaps of self-improvement and self-reflection. I was absolutely FURIOUS when I realized that I had to change to save my marriage! I totally get it. 

I know it’s difficult to feel like you’re the only one putting in effort. I know it’s excruciatingly hard to apologize when you feel that he has so much to be sorry for. 

But the trade-off is SO worth it, I promise.

I’m now happily married to the man I once couldn’t get along with. We have a truly meaningful, fulfilling, and joyous marriage.

I’m fun to be around, I focus on the good, and I’ve reached inner peace. My upbeat mood and humor make everyone around me happier. As a result, my relationship with everyone in my life, has improved as well. 

It’s so hard to take that first step, but just know that it is possible to transform your marriage, and you’ll be so happy you did — take it from me. 

What is the main goal you want to achieve in your marriage?