From the Vacation Trenches

We finally arrived for our long-awaited vacation. Despite the comfortable surroundings, it was hard to breathe. The silence in the room created a crushing anxiety. 

I had worn myself out with all the arrangements for the trip. I looked forward to feeling free and relaxed.  Instead, deep pain from my husband's critical words the previous night consumed me.  

I told him how much he had hurt me, expecting regret and an apology.  He cooly responded, 'Why do you always have to ruin everything when we're just trying to enjoy?” 

Tears of loneliness streamed down my face as I wondered how we reached this point.

 When we got married, I took on everything while my husband worked and learned. I returned home exhausted from work and got to work—dinner, piles of laundry, endless messes, disciplining and nurturing our children. I was utterly overwhelmed. Vacations were not on my radar. I managed the bills, so I knew we couldn't afford it.

I constantly compared and envied other women's seemingly perfect husbands who were attentive and there for them. When he walked through the door each evening, I seethed silent resentment. Even when he did try to help, I only saw how he wasn't doing things the way I wanted.

After another exhausting evening, I sat my husband down and listed the changes he needed to make. He said he has his own complaints. “You don’t smile at me or thank me, and I don’t feel like you love me.” I felt hopeless and blamed.  Deep down, I knew he was right, and I was ashamed.

A friend suggested I read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. Dubious about how a non-Jewish woman could advise this Chasidish Yiddishe mama, I swallowed up the pages in one sitting. The book gave me hope.  I thought I could use the tools to make my husband more responsible and earn my respect.

I started by trying to stop correcting him, and then I experimented with expressing gratitude. On the third day, I experienced a shocking realization. I was feeling connected to my husband despite him not making any changes. Perhaps my actions and feelings played a bigger role in the mess we were in than I had thought.

On the fourth day, I slipped up and became critical and controlling, and the positive feeling disappeared. I doubted if this method would work for me, yet I realized that I had the power to bring those feelings back.

I ignored the section in the book on self-care. How could I possibly find time for me with my job, home, children, and husband to take care of? Was it possible that I deserved one hour every day for myself?  

I decided to go all in and “indulged” in me. I got a coach and learned how to really implement these skills. And that’s when the fun, happy Sarah emerged. I stopped taking responsibility for doing everything and allowed myself to receive the help my husband was waiting to give me. When I shared with him how I was looking forward to the fitness group I joined and how grateful I was that he would take over at home, he responded, “All I want is for you to be happy.” He listens to me, and I feel safer with him than with anyone else in the world.  When we recently had guests over, they asked him if there was anything his wife did around here because he helped so much! 

Our neighbor recently told my husband he was going on vacation with his friends, leaving his wife at home. My husband wondered aloud why anyone would go on vacation without his wife.