Communication is Overrated

Have you ever heard that marriage is all about communication?  I used to let my husband know just how frustrated I felt when I had to ask him a few times before he finally took out the garbage or how abandoned I felt when he paid more attention to his phone than to me.

I also had to communicate exactly how he should do things so I wouldn't get resentful if he did it wrong.  After all, how will he ever know how to load the dishwasher correctly or which shortcut is best to avoid traffic and still get to the babysitter on time if I don't tell him?  

But these well-intentioned efforts to communicate didn't enhance our marriage.  In fact, he got angry or withdrew. 

My husband was completely uninterested in my advice and nagging.  In fact, it seemed like he did the exact opposite of what I nagged him to do or did nothing at all.  

I didn’t realize that what I was saying to my husband was, “I know better than you.”  

Every time I reminded him, every time I showed him how to do it right, every time I gently and kindly criticized his choices, I was making a choice.  

I was choosing efficiency and expedience over feeling taken care of.  I was choosing fear about “what people might think” over faith in my very capable husband.  I was choosing saving money over a priceless, peaceful marriage. 

It was scary to let go.  It felt excruciating to overlook things undone or done wrong. 

I wouldn't get what I want, how and when I want it!  But here is what I did get: 

When I stopped controlling my husband, he assumed more responsibility. When he realized I was no longer in charge, he slipped into the driver's seat. 

He takes out the garbage without any reminders (on his timeline).  The garbage occasionally gets really full and sometimes smelly but it never actually overflows.

He loads the dishwasher (with plastic on the bottom rack and pots on top).  The tupperware hasn’t melted, and the pots are clean enough.

He sits on the couch with me without glancing at his phone, and we talk about everything or nothing. 

Truly effective communication isn’t about telling him what to do and what he is doing wrong.  Sometimes, the best communication is simply keeping quiet.