A Story from the Marriage Trenches

It’s not just you. Many other women struggle in their marriages, too — like Chaya. 

Chaya was a typical woman in a typical marriage with typical issues. She was also completely at a loss. She had no idea where her husband’s anger, distance, and coldness were coming from. She had no clue where it had all gone wrong or when she had lost all respect for her husband. 

When not in a cold war, they were arguing. He was rarely home, involved with the family, or attentive to her needs. Chaya even found herself fantasizing about divorce. Her kids were unhappy, she was unhappy, and her husband was unhappy. 

How had this happened to her family? And, more importantly, how would she pull herself out of this ditch?

This is Chaya’s story…

How to Not Have a Happy Home

In the midst of all this angst and tension, Chaya saw the warning signs and worked tirelessly on self-improvement. She had turned to many unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms and was determined to defeat them. She saw therapists, filled herself up spiritually, and found a supportive community. Despite all her relentless inner work, her marriage continued to plummet. 

To Chaya’s disbelief, things got even worse. While her marriage had been tumultuous before, it became positively toxic. Chaya found herself hyperfocused on all of her husband’s faults: his values, priorities, the way he spent his time. She was judgmental and critical of everything he did and said. As a result, he became ultra-defensive, angry, and cold. To the point that even if Chaya did compliment him on something, his knee-jerk reaction was to become defensive. This only aggravated Chaya more — she was so disgusted by how thin-skinned he was. Just grow up and be a man! 

Chaya’s kids were upset and confused. They saw their father fly into rages or act withdrawn and passive. The disrespect and disgust Chaya felt for her husband were obvious to her children, so why would they respect him either? Her teenage son began to fight with her husband constantly and use Chaya as a go-between. His tactic was simple—he knew Chaya would take his side. Meanwhile, her teenage daughter would watch with sad eyes that said, “Why are you treating Tatty like this?”

Chaya knew her home had become toxic. She didn’t want to raise her children in such a detrimental environment, and she was terrified of how they would be impacted by such an upbringing. She just didn’t know how to fix it. 

How to Not Hit Rock Bottom

Another year passed in which Chaya’s marriage and home descended further into the abyss. At this point, when a friend suggested that Chaya see a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship coach, she took the advice. After the first session, she alternated between being furious that she had to do the work and desperate to do anything it took. Although it rankled, she pushed forward and was willing to go to any lengths to fix her marriage. 

She started working with her dedicated coach to improve her marriage step by step. The beginning was rough! When her coach asked her what she appreciated about her husband, she couldn't think of anything. When asked what she respected in her husband, she responded, “Nothing.” When her coach encouraged her to apologize to her husband, she felt nauseous. Becoming an empowered wife felt absolutely excruciating — but she knew she had to do it to save her marriage. 

The first area her coach helped her work on was gratitude. She started off by thanking her husband for more technical favors and eventually went deeper. Her coach helped her craft long, flowery, and descriptive text messages about how he made her feel and about his character. She couldn’t say them to his face for a while since it felt way too vulnerable. 

Her husband’s response was miraculous! Chaya thought he would see through her dramatic letters and realize it was all fake, but he took it seriously. Eventually, it became real for Chaya too! She found herself noticing his good qualities and feeling sincere gratitude in her heart. Writing gratitude texts to her husband became a beautiful habit that she enjoyed. Her husband even began expressing gratitude to her and doing more things that elicited gratitude. Chaya had created this wonderful upward cycle. And it only got better. 

How to Grow Trust Muscles

Once Chaya incorporated these positive changes with the help of her coach, her husband was hardly angry anymore. He started spending more time at home, expressing appreciation towards her and offering to help. In short, he became everything she ever wanted him to be. 

Sounds easy, right? Definitely not. The transformation Chaya experienced took effort, humility, and perseverance. But she wouldn't trade the years of vulnerability, honesty, and hard work for anything. 

She now has the marriage she’s always dreamed of. She’s not stewing in resentment or wallowing in misery anymore. She has the tools to express her desires purely, and her husband is quick to fulfill them. Her marriage is more playful, light, and affectionate. Her home is a peaceful, pleasant place to be. They don’t argue bitterly like they used to, and her husband even stopped fighting with their son. She has learned to let go and save herself needless turmoil. 

Chaya credits Laura Doyle’s Six Skills and her devoted coach for helping her turn her marriage around. “These skills have changed my life so dramatically. I never knew I was in charge of my own happiness. I didn’t know it was okay to be happy even if my husband is not being the way that I want him to be.”

If you visit Chaya’s house, you’ll see her dancing in the kitchen while cooking and her husband walking around humming. There’s light, laughter, and love in the home. They’ve come a long way. 

If Chaya’s story has inspired you, and you want to live the same fairytale she worked to achieve, reach out to the Shalom Bayis Agency! We’d love to help you get there.